i always say as a running joke
between a few good friends,
“insomnia is my bitch lover
i cannot break up with!”
most don’t understand
it’s hard to explain really
imagine if you will….. an edginess
all the time due to anxiety disorder,
up and down moods with lack of concentration
due to bipolar disorder, this is topped
with obsessive compulsive disorder, then,
sorry men you have no clue, mix all this up
sprinkle in some good ol’ fashion ‘monthly visits’.
then close your eyes for just a second
envision a small room you are in
packed with 200 loud people but
you know this room shouldn’t even
hold 100 people, you can’t move them.
all of them are screaming at once
you can’t make out what anyone is saying
bits and pieces fly by your ears
your own voice seems like a whisper
because you have listened to them for 4 days
no, what is today again? 5 days now on 2 hours sleep.
the medication you decide to take helps some
but you know life is stressful.
things you need to do, gotten done 12 years ago
all going through your head so fast
you lay on your bed, closing your eyes
breathing in and out, just like everyone says
besides you already meditated for hours
which was almost helping if you could find one,
just one station that understands a piano
doesn’t go in the river with birds
it’s on and on and on. yesterday’s not over yet
because you haven’t slept to wake up to a clearer
minded ‘today’. then you feel irritable.
no wonder the kids are mad at you
you don’t even like you, you’re so tired now
sleep is impossible but so is the dishes
talking, you talk so fast you have been told at age 12
you should be an auctioneer, when you’re from the south
it’s annoying to a lot of people, you get it
but it’s frustrating to hear them say “well, such and such,
talks faster than netta! wanna bet? you are under too
much stress. why don’t you try to rest? he isn’t worth this.
why in the world are you thinking about that. we were 9.
have you told your doctor the medicine isn’t helping?
oh. okay, so you are allergic to everything they try.
YES, ONLY BEEN A GUINEA PIG SINCE 7TH GRADE
AND I FELT LIKE I WAS ON ACID EXCEPT I HADN’T
BOUGHT ANY!!! NO, SELF MEDICATION IS NOT THE
SOLUTION, BUT WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! word of advice: friends, i know
you think you are helping, but your advice voices are now
mixed in with the ones i just said i had, but i don’t, i’m explaining
oh, hell, i am hearing things
it’s lack of sleep. i know i’m being a huge B word
but, you act as though i go to the doctor and say
everything is fine and leave, when dear, why would i go
this is just my brain and most days i’m cool with that.
i’m cool with me, cause i had to learn to be but
some days, maybe a week or more, you know i’m going to
be grouchy, so must you really come and tell me i should
try that one vitamin your friend tried and slept like a baby
because not trying to be negative nancy, no it won’t.
like i can’t just go walking and be happy some days.
i know you were embarrassed when i left you in the store
entire buggy full of groceries, mine, and i just walked out
oh my, don’t say you don’t get anxiety
i’m sleepy now. thanks you are way helpful. xo
@ donetta sifford 6-4-2013
Insomnia & Friends
i always say as a running joke