TTofT ~ Fake It Til You Make It

It seems hard at times to find the “thankful” when I feel more like saying, “No thanks!!!” to life.   As they always tell people in N.A. groups, even if you used, come to the meetings and practice sobriety, a “fake it til you make it” type of mantra.  So, I’ll apply that here today.

1.   Sunshine – This has been a rainy, cloudy, and lower temp type of week.  Today had the ‘blah’ stamp of approval.  Finally, the sun began to shine about 15 minutes ago.  I believe it’s proven in scientific facts, but I know for myself, the sunshine can change my moods, and the gloomy days take a toll on my bipolar mind.  So, I’m thankful to see the sun out.

2.   Good Books – Thankful that I have some good books that I don’t mind re-reading on a cloudy day.  Although I will be even more thankful when I get a chance to grab a new one.  I’m leaning toward “Gone Girl” as my next read. 

3.    Experiences – As I was reading Lizzi’s blog on Considerings, she reminded me that my 10th grade year of high school, our science teacher took 6 chosen students that had went above and beyond in his class, rock climbing in North Carolina on Stone Mountain.  600 ft. of climbing and it was scary, wonderful, and I am going to have to scan the photos the next chance I get.  I’m glad I have gotten many chances to expand my experiences, and looking forward to more. 

4.   Music –  It is true, that as well as the sun, music can uplift someone, remind them of past, can make them feel sad, loved, happy, lonely, and if it’s good music, you will feel as if the song was written and recorded just for you.  This reminds me of my recent trip to Pigeon Forge.  I was able to record on my phone two live bands during our stay and they were fabulous.  I wish I had thought to get their names and perhaps purchase a c.d.  Sidenote to self to look online and see if I round up anything. 

5.   Necessities –  I suppose I do tend to look at the more negative side of things and I don’t remember if I’ve always done so, or if throughout life, I began to do so without realizing it.  I think the latter applies because I don’t recall being anything but happy throughout my childhood, until my grandfather had a stroke when I was 16 and in the middle of my junior year in high school.  Then it seems when recovering from one death, another seems to come along, I began looking at life more harder and feeling more bitter.  So, I want to take a moment and be thankful that my children and myself have what we need.  What we need and what we want can get confusing and run together in my mind.  Once I begin to separate what I need and what I think I need, and then what I want, I realize we have food, shelter, clothes, water, electricity, and the bills get paid, even if a struggle at times.  Then we have things we don’t necessarily need but make the days go by faster, for them t.v., for me the internet and radio, for my youngest her bike.  The small family I do have are caring and loving and so life isn’t so gloom after all.

6.  Pilates –  I am trying to lose weight at the moment.  This hasn’t been a problem for me until recently.  Willpower to stick to an exercise program is where I struggle most.  I still enjoy my evening walks with my god-daughter, my girls, and my two great god-sons.  But when the weather isn’t permitting, and I know I need to add a little bit more, I finally found a Pilate challenge for 30 days.  I haven’t gotten bored and they seem to be doing what they are intended to do.  I’ll admit I have slacked for the past week.  Also, I found the challenge bookmarked because it was to begin 30 days before Memorial Day and I bookmark things like this and forget about them.  Then in my useless attempt to organize things, I stumble across outdated challenges, outdated submissions for literary mags that I mean to submit a poem to, and other such things.  With this though, I figured that better now than never. 

7   My children – This is actually my children and my close loved ones.  Recently, things have happened that are unfair in my opinion.  Living in a small town and with everyone being so close, it has it’s ups.  The downs can really get a person down though.  I will just say that as a mother, I have made mistakes, but overall my girls are well- balanced, know they are loved, exceed in school, and feel free to talk to me about life’s little ups and downs.  We get tested all through life – tested for a driver’s license, tested throughout school, tested for employment, tested on our beliefs, but there are no study guides and then an exam when having children.  We all know how we were raised, we even believe before having children that we will be different or the same as our parents.  This doesn’t happen.  Sure, there are millions of books and articles to read about parenting.  I can’t think of one person who remembers these books when situations in life occur.  I even took Child Care in high school.  Overall, I know there are times I deserve an F and times I deserve an A+.  Thankfully, children are forgiving and resilient creatures.

8.  Blogs – Not only have I found wonderful people throughout the Blogging World, and amazing prompts, such as this one, but I’m thankful I have a place I can turn to and reflect on things I’m thankful for, things I don’t realize until typing, and a place I can keep all my poetry and little random things that make me happy.  I like Facebook, don’t check Twitter as much as I should, and definitely need to post more in my blogs, but just the same, my blogs are my favorite by far on the internet life. 

9.  Sleep – I am grateful for sleep because of insomnia.  I’m also grateful sometimes when life seems to get me down, I can sleep and wake up refreshed and feeling like I can handle anything life throws my way. 

10.  Laughter – Laughter is healthy, healing, and the best laughter sometimes happens when I’m alone and watch a movie that makes me laugh. Or a book I’m reading has a witty sentence that makes me laugh along with the characters.  Memories of silly things that bring a smile to my face.  I think that’s the best laughter of all.  Thankfully, I made it through this week, and am finished with my post for Ten Things of Thankful.  YaY.







Trusting You

hearing your breathing, slow and easy

smelling the light scent of your cologne

mixture of your work smell, hard to explain

shingles, wood chips from cutting, just you

try opening my eyes but feels as if something keeps them pressed closed

holding my eyelids in place so all i see is darkness

reaching out toward your side of the bed, where you’ve barely awoken me

your body weight causing my side to tilt toward you some

 fingers find your calloused hand, move upward

your smooth forearm rippling with muscle as i continue up

finding your t-shirt sleeve, i rub your muscles already knowing you’re tanning

sliding over just a bit, i rub your collar bone and sharp jaw bone

your smooth face has grown rough with stubles of hair already

settling in to go back to my deep slumber, i let my hand lay on your pillow

moving it just so it’s under your neck, i twirl your almost shoulder length hair in my fingers

not even trying to  open my eyes now, i mumble something, asking if ya’ll finished the job

your familiar reply of a ‘ummhmm’ which is just your laid back style

snuggling deeper under the covers, barely aware of my thoughts

drifting thought passes that i hate the dark but don’t mind as i lay here in our bed

this is comfort, secure, yet i still love how you feel

find you intriguing, know every part of you, trust you to be here

thoughts start blurring with the hum of the fan and your deep, long breaths as you start to sleep

sinking into the oblivion feeling peaceful, my hand must have fell as i welcomed sleep again

jerked awake as you grab my hand and hold it tightly beside you

“what”?  i grumble through a dry throat, wondering if you have a drink on the nightstand

“you hit me in the face with your hand AGAIN” you say as if i done it on purpose

“sorry, i am asleep”   i say back and then almost awake but not quite, i turn over

away from you, you are so grouchy when your crew goes in right at dawn

 getting you home before the sun is too hot, so i push my bottom against your leg

childishly, rough so you have to scoot just a little

“wake me up when the girls get home. i want to go to the river”

already, my voice is sleepy again, insomnia is rough

you place your hand so it’s laying casually across my bottom

your breathing is getting louder as you mumble “ummhmm”

so many times we do this during the summer days

it’s safe, assuring, it’s trust between us, it’s love

@ donetta sifford 4-28-2013

I wrote this for one of my favorite blogs Woven Dreams and the prompt ‘Trust’ and I also wrote this for a prompt on Poets and Writers which was to write a poem about someone close to you, using any senses except for sight.  This happens a lot in the summer mornings because my girls seem to stay next door at my cousin’s all the time to play with their two daughters and my boyfriend will get up at dark to get to a roofing job right at daylight so they can finish up before the roof gets too hot.  He usually will get home before 11 a.m. and I have insomnia.  Once asleep though, an earthquake can’t wake me, but him putting weight on his side of the bed will barely wake me, where I’m half way talking in my sleep and my eyes feel super glued shut.  Without fail, I will fail back to sleep and my arm will flop on it’s on usually striking him on the face or chest. lol. It’s been a long night and it’s a rainy day.  The thought I put into this poem is making me sleepy.   Enjoy.